Harry Potter and the Deafly Hollers
by SheepDudeWriting
Summary: CONTAINS SPOILERS! Join Harry Pottyah and his friends Rob Weasels and Hermyknee Ranger on a mostly epic adventure-with some minor typos and many caps lock-to defeat the evil that is the Deaf Ears and Lord Moldywart! Important Note-This fanfiction is not written to make fun of any of the Harry Potter characters, books, movies, etc. It is just meant to be a funny twist.


**Important Note Before You Read (In case you didn't read the summary) -** **This fanfiction is not written to make fun of any of the Harry Potter characters, books, movies, community members, etc. It is just meant to be a funny twist on the original story. I hope you enjoy it.**

 **Harry Potter and the Deaf-ly Hollers**

 **By SheepDudeWriting**

In the lands of Hugwars School of Witcraft and Wizardy, trouble is brewing, and it wasn't in the potions classroom for once! Lord Voldemort was scheming with his most trusted adviser, Luscious Malfoy. "Lucius." He said.

"Yes, my Lord?"

"I am in the mood for a Snape...Find me him."

Meanwhile, in another part of the land, our chosen hero-boy himself, Harry Potter is sneaking into the Shrieking Shack...He finds Voldemort and Snape. Voldemort does that talk all like "YOU'RE THE MASTER OF THE ELDER WAND! YOU WERE A GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT, BUT ONLY I CAN LIVE FOREVER!"

And Snape is ticked saying, "I'm not the master of the Elder Wand. Calm down, please."

Then Voldemort says, "NAGINI, KILL!"

"HISSSSSSSSihdkwfonapdoqnhdoskdbldpsndkoxpdldkhspldld!"

Then Snape's all crying out his memories and such like "Take them to the pensieve! Plz! Learn the truth about me! I love your mother!"

Then Harry's like "Ok, frend." Then he just like conjures a jar out of midair and takes the memories.

Then Snape's saying, "Look at me. Show me your mother's eyes before I leave this world. DON'T LOOK AWAY! LOOK AT ME!"

Harry's like, "NUUUUUU SNAPE! WHY YOU DIE ON ME! LET US LEAVE THIS STUPID PLACE! I HATE VOLDEMORT!"

Then they leave the shrieking shack and run out of the place with Snape's memories. Harry goes to the pensieve, blah, blah, blah. He sees Snape's childhood with Lily and how Snape loved her. Then he finds out Dumbledore assigned Snape the job to kill him, aka Dumbdoor. "OH CRAP! SNAPE WASN'T A TRAITOR! WHY YOU NOT TELL ME EARLIER!? Ok Hairy Pottyah, calm your face and look at the rest of the memories."

Then he sees Snape show off his doe patronus to Dumbdoor like, "LOOK AT THAT, DUMBDOOR! I GOT THE SAME PATRONUS AS LILY! YOU JELLY?" "After all this time?" "Always!" Snape never knew that line would become a big trend with the muggle world.

ANYWAYS!

Harry finds out Snape was a big spy and such and really was assigned to help protect Harry. Harry's all like, "OHMEHGERD! OHMEHGERD! SNAPE, YOU'RE MY HERO! BUT WHY WERE YOU SO MEAN TO ME?" Then he sees a memory you were never drawn back to in the movie or book. It involved Harry himself:

Harry confronted Snape in the Great Hall, "Omg snap you could hear like 5 minutes ago! What is wrong; is it the dark magic of being a deaf ear that has hurt you? IS IT YOUR BETRAYAL TO DUMBLEDORE? IS IT, SNAP? IS IT? HAS HEARING HIS PLEAS FOR HIS LIFE IN YOUR SLEEP CAUSED YOU TO LOSE YOUR HEARING?"

And Snape's like "Omg Potter, no, you are blowing my cover!"

Then Harry comes out of the pensieve like, "UH HUH! I KNOW SNAPE'S SECRETS! UH HUH! Ooooo I better tell these secrets to Rob Weasels and Hermyknee Ranger. BRB!"

And Harry ran to his pals and heard Voldemort in the Great Hall. "BACK OFF SCRUBS! POTTER! MEET ME IN THE NEXT HOUR IN THE FOREST OR I'M KILLING OFF ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS! Thank you, have a great day! Love, your mortal enemy, Voldemort."

"AHHHHJSKDJIWNDJOXKBSDKJ MOLDYWART IS AFTER US! RUN!" Harry cried to Rob Weasels and Hermyknee Ranger.

So Harry decided to do the stupid thing and go to the forest by himself with his Golden Snitch that was covered in his 11-year-old self's slobber from six years ago. He put his mouth up to it saying "OMG HELP ME! I'M GONNA DIE!" Then his parents, Serious Magenta, and Romulus McWerewolf came out of the snitch.

"YO, GODFATHER! GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" Harry said to Serious.

"Yo, pal. I saw you sitting with Snivellus earlier as he was dying. I thought you KNEW BETTER! You're SUPPOSED to call him an idiot!"

"SERIOUSLY, SERIOUS! WILL YOU CALM DOWN ABOUT SEVERUS ALREADY?" Romulus yelled. "Sorry about that, Harry! He can be a big jerk."

"I know that, trust me."

Now James is all like, "YO! PADFOOT, MOONY! SHUSH YOUR FACES! WE'RE HERE TO TALK TO MY DYING SON!"

"CAN'T EVERYONE ELSE SEE AND HEAR YOU GUYS?" Harry asked.

"No! Of course not! We're just in your head!"

"Oh, well thanks for telling me NOW when I already asked! Now I seem like an IDIOT talking to himself! Will you stay with me?"

"Always," Lily replied.

"Oh gosh, no, Lily! That's MY line!" Harry heard Snape say.

"Where did YOU come from? You weren't invited to this party!" Serious yelled to Snape, who was just starting to appear next to Lily.

"SHUT UP MAGENTA! I'm here to talk to the love of my life now that the Dark Lord took my life too! Come, Lily. Let's get out of here."

"EWWWWW! SNIVELLUS GREASY IS IN LOVE WITH MY WIFE! GO AWAY FROM ME!" James called out.

"YO! ALL OF YOU SHUT UP! I GOT A DARK WIZARD TO TAKE CARE OF, FOR FOODNESS SAKE!" Harry yelled.

"Foodness sake?" James asked.

"Nevermind that, Potter. Now leave Potter alone," Snape said with his arms crossed in his famous dungeon bat pose.

"Calling us both Potter now, Snivellus?" James walked slowly up to Snape. "You wanna fight me?"

"Just follow me," Harry said to everyone.

"Okay, I'm coming. Jeez. Learn to be patient," James said, rolling his eyes. "I'll get you next time," he added in a low voice to Snape.

Harry ran up the hill to see Voldemort.

"GAH! WHERE'S THAT POTTER KID? HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE BY NOW!" Voldemort yelled, looking at his watch and right at Harry.

"My Lord, he's right there..." Lucius Malfoy replied.

"Oh quit being so OBVIOUS Lucius. I saw him already! HARRY, YOU IDIOT! KILLING MY HORCRUXES!"

"Hi Moldywart!" Harry said, waving his hand in a greeting gesture. "Come get me!"

Voldemort's face got red with rage, "MY NAME ISN'T MOLDYWART! AND THE 'T' IS SILENT! AVADA KEDAVRA!"

Harry felt himself fall to the ground and heard Voldemort laughing in the background, "NYEH HEH HEH!"

Then Harry appeared in this random place where he saw Dumbledore. "Hi, Harry! Good to see you again!" Dumbdoor said.

"YO! SNAPE AND MY MOTHER HAVE THE SAME PATRONUS, AND HE CALLED HER THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE WHEN I SUMMONED HIM AND HER WITH THE RESURRECTION STONE! HELP ME!" Harry told Dumbdoor.

"Harry, calm down. There's nothing to worry about! They were both best friends at Hogwarts, and it doesn't matter that Severus loved Lily."

"I DON'T CARE! IT'S SCARY! MY PROFESSOR THAT HATED ME IS IN LOVE WITH MY MOTHER! PLEASE HELP ME!"

"Harry, there's nothing I can do."

"WHERE AM I?"

"I don't know. I was going to ask you."

"Am I...dead?"

Then Dumbdoor explained how Voldemort's killing curse had killed a part of himself that was in Harry, a horcrux he didn't mean to make. Yadda, yadda, yadda, no big deal, so he sent Harry back to the real world.

"Narcissa, check him out! Make sure he's dead!" Harry heard Voldemort say.

Narcissa Malfoy walked over to Harry and felt his heartbeat, "WHERE'S MY SON, TWERP?"

And Harry's all like, "Yo, he's in Hogwarts. Now shush your face and let me ACT DEAD! GO WITH THE PLAN!"

"K brush. Ty pal. HE'S DEAD!" Narcissa reported back.

"Okie dokie. Talking to corpses is the norm for Malfoys," Voldemort said. "Now let's go show those IDIOTS that their 'hero' is dead! PICK HIM UP AND FOLLOW US, HAGRID!"

Voldemort led his followers and Hagrid to Hogwarts. When he was in earshot of everyone, he yelled, "I AM LORD VOLDEMORT, AND THESE ARE MY LOYAL DEAF EARS!"

"WHAT DID HE SAY, MOM?" Draco yelled out.

"YOU SAY SOMETHING DRACO?" Narcissa ran to follow her son's voice.

"LOOK AT THIS! 'THE CHOSEN ONE,' YOUR 'HERO,' 'THE BOY WHO LIVED,' HAS BEEN DEFEATED AT LAST! YOU WILL NEVER STAND A CHANCE!" Voldemort continued.

"MOLDYWART!" Neville yelled, walking up to Voldemort.

"I'M NOT A MOLDY WART! CRUCIO!" The curse missed Neville and everyone else by a mile.

"DEAD OR NOT, HARRY IS STILL WATCHING US! WE WILL KILL YOU WITH HELP FROM HIM!" Neville said. Everyone cheered as Neville slashed the head off of Nagini with the Sword of Gryffindor.

"YOU IDIOT! HOW DARE YOU KILL MY SNAKE! CRUCIO!" The curse missed again. Suddenly, everyone gasped as Harry fell from Hagrid's arms and stood up. "HE ISN'T DEAD!? DAG GUMMIT! LUCIUS GIMME YOUR WAND AGAIN! I GOTTA KILL THIS KID! AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! WHY WON'T YOU DIE!?"

Harry dodged each curse and said, "Ouch, Voldy. Chill, man. It's this sick scar, my dude, that-may I remind you-which you gave me. Thanks, btw."

"YO! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, MAH FRIEND! NOW DIE ALREADY, GOSH!" Voldemort's anger was building as he aimed curse after curse at Harry, each one missing.

"YO, TOM! LET'S FINISH THIS HOW WE STARTED IT! TOGETHER!" Harry screamed, jumping off the tower, holding tightly onto Voldemort.

"DON'T CALL ME THAT FILTHY MUGGLE NAME!" Voldy yelled in Harry's face as they both fell, wrestling with each other.

They hit the ground and rolled to opposite sides of the area. They crawled to their wands. Not like they could've stood up and sprinted or anything. They both reached their wands at the same time.

"ABRA KEDAVRA! I MEAN, AVADA KEDAVRA!" said Voldemort.

"EXSMELLYARMPITS!" Harry yelled back.

Then that famous twin cores wand connection happened between the two. The red light of Harry's spell slowly overpowered Voldemort's killing curse. Moldywart struggled until his curse was pushed back at him, and his wand flew out of his hand. Harry caught the wand. "TAKE THAT, YOU MOLDY WART!" Harry yelled triumphantly.

And Voldemort slowly disappeared into midair, yelling, "CURSE YOU (literally), HARRY POTTER!"

Everyone cheered when Voldemort was completely gone. "YEAH PEOPLE! I JUST KILLED THE MOST POWERFUL WIZARD OF ALL TIME! MOLDYWART! TOM RIDDLE! LET'S HAVE A PARTY!"

Harry placed the Elder Wand on the Headmaster's desk and led everyone to Hogsmeade. Everyone stocked up on butterbeer and had a great time. Voldemort's Deaf Ears were all arrested, and Harry and Ginny went on a double date with Ron and Hermione. Harry watched as James and Lily ran at the outside of the store being closely followed by Snape, Romulus, and Serious. Now Harry knew the truth about Snape. Even though he used to be a Deaf Ear, he was trying to save Harry all along. Now it all made sense. Harry took a sip of his butterbeer and looked at Ginny. He gave her a kiss and looked around The Three Broomsticks. This was the most peace he had seen in this world, and he was happy with it.


End file.
